Diary of a PCOS girl...
Hi Cyst-ers! My name is Mo! This is a new series of writing that I have started because who knows…where this will end: maybe on a blog or maybe just a bunch of writings for my own relief because trust me, PCOS has surely caused a lot of overthinking. I have been in a storm of emotions: at times calm, at times out of control and at times as deafening as thunders where I cannot even listen to my own sanity.
Let’s start with the beginning, I was 16 years old when I suddenly started putting on weight. I gained around 10 Kg in just 3 months. Since I was at the peak of teenage years, I thought that the weight gain was due to binge eating as it was my way of getting over that ‘oh so hard break-up’ or it was just ‘exam stress’. I could not really pin point an exact reason because who would think that there’s something wrong on the inside when there’s already so much happening on the outside world. All I thought I knew about hormonal imbalance was just acne, mood swings, sweating a lot or irregular menstrual cycles. Nothing deeper or more impactful in the long run like infertility, anxiety and in serious cases depression.
When the weight gain started to feel unusual, my parents decided to take me to an endocrinologist who recommended me to a gynecologist after the first visit. Oh god, the visits to the gynecologist used to be so awkward and scary. I absolutely hated when the gynec asked me to drink at least a 1L bottle of water because that would make the echography easier as it would dilate I don’t know what inside. On the weird long medical chair and chilly atmosphere, it was already scary enough when the need to finally pee came to worsen the situation. Anyway, there it is, the first time, I was told that I have PCOS- Polycystic ovary syndrome. I am sure, all my cyst-ers know what happened next- The birth control pills and ‘just lose some weight’ came to the big ‘rescue’.
The thing is everything ‘looks’ fine when actually there is a whole battle going on the inside. I used to get super anxious over trivial things, hair became thin, feeling extreme fatigue, bloating, dark patches around the neck and inner thighs, irregular to at times non-existent menstrual cycles… with a pinch of growing low self-esteem . Even playing soccer became hard because of the weight gain and fatigue. Slowly and creepily, all the symptoms started to manifest and it was just the beginning. Now here comes the part where I had to learn how to live with PCOS. It was and is still a constant battle. There were days when I could not recognise myself in pictures because I never knew myself with flappy arms, double chin and muffin top. Just like that from being the athletic girl to being out of breath after taking the stairs, I realise that what I was going through was not normal for a teenager. The worst was that I had started to feel unattractive. I would ask my friends and my parents if I was beautiful. I became overcritical over my body and grew insecure day by day. I started to feel like I was the one girl, boys would always see as ‘just friend’ or describe as ‘cute because she is chubby’. It might seem petty but as you grow up into a young woman, you want to know that you are desirable and wanted. You want to be admired and adored by the opposite gender. With this came the acknowledgment of the harsher long term side effect of PCOS- high probability of not being able to be a mother due to infertility.
However my beautiful cyst-ers, there is always two sides of the same coin and there’s always a blessing in disguise somewhere somehow. I had to stand up for myself because I was tired of being a victim so I went to another endocrinologist who again repeated the same cycle: gynec- blood test- birth control pills- ‘just lose weight’ but this time I knew what my intention and aim was. After those visits, I watched to a lot of informative videos on PCOS, read articles about other cyst-ers and as a daily motivation for the never ending battle, I followed amazing Instagram accounts on PCOS. I started journaling and trust me writing about how you feel is a big game changer. Yoga helped me as well because I would meditate on self-love and positivity meditation videos. The cherry on the cake was that I discovered a whole new world within the culinary world with amazing healthy tasty recipes geared towards women with PCOS. In a way, PCOS gave me a new life with new possibilities and opportunities to discover myself.
I now realise that we always have the ultimate control over our mind and body. We all have our own battle and it’s a long journey but don’t give up, cyst-ers. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Still, I do wish that there was more awareness about PCOS because the symptoms can be so over bearing at times. I am grateful though for everything I’ve learnt along the way and for the support I received. I am so happy and relieved that now we have such platforms where cyst-ers can voice their experiences.
Cyst-ers, you got this! We got this!
You can follow Mo on instagram, her handle is mo_radha_s
(c) PCOS Vitality 2020
This article is protected by copyright and must not be used without permission from the original author.